My Cluster is Fucked

The problem with Hong Kong is that almost no one wants anything serious. Case in point- the guy I really fancied a few weeks ago, my casual boyfriend, had stopped answering my calls- even the booty calls. Perhaps he was just out of town on business but I wouldn't have known. He never picked up his phone. In cases such as these, instead of wallowing in self-pity, I try to have a back-up plan- or several.

The way I see it, when you’re single, it behooves you to keep a reserve of love interests to have fun with until you find a person that’s right for you. I like to call this dating rotation ‘The Cluster’. At any given time, I’ll have a few men I date, some I’m physical with, some that just buy dinner and listen. As some fall out of the cluster, new ones enter.

My girlfriend has another term for ‘the cluster’ she likes to call it her ‘fan club’ or her ‘portfolio’. Some guys are bond market (reliable and long term) and some guys are hedge fund (high risk and short term) She actually has a boyfriend, but in order not to stress her boyfriend out, she gets her attention from the fan club when he isn’t available to give it to her. She figures there are so many beautiful girls out there and if she stresses her boyfriend out, he will leave her for someone who is lower maintenance.

‘The Cluster’ is useful because it gives structure to the chaos of single life. In order to fill the void in your heart, one must create a circus of dating distractions. Each of the circus performers serves a purpose. Some stroke your ego when you’re feeling fragile, some are awesome in the sack or great to look at, some are activity partners, and some wine and dine you in luxury surroundings. While fun and exciting, most gals would give all of this up for that one meaningful love that they’ll ultimately marry and pop out some babies with.

I was juggling my cluster deftly, convinced all along that these light hearted affairs were what fulfilled (excited) me, ‘til one guy, swooped in off his flying trapeze and carried me up to the edge of the tightrope with him. We were walking the precarious line- should we get involved, should we not, until one day, he decided to jump down to the net, never to be heard from again. I was gutted. So I did what I’d normally do, I got drunk and proceeded to send 19 consecutive smses to him, each one becoming more incoherent than the next. (It wasn’t me I swear. I was possessed by my estrogen devils. They MADE me do it.)

In the next few weeks, I promised myself I’d get over him by finding some new recruits to distract myself from the disappointment. Unfortunately, my plan went awry. In the coming weeks, all the others in the cluster fell away. I was having no luck finding other men that I was remotely interested in or vice-versa. Perhaps people could feel how desperate or upset I was because things just were not going my way.

That’s the problem with the cluster. It’s precarious. It can fall apart instantaneously. Out of the blue, the people in the cluster can disappear like the tiger in the cage at the Vegas magic show. I was out last night, trying to keep my mind off HIM, looking in vain for a distraction, and no one was available to hang out. I went down the list of guys I vaguely like, then down the list of guys that paid attention to me, then down the list of guys I dated in the past that I lost interest in and still, not one person was responding. Suddenly, I started to feel like the sad clown in the circus, the one with the permanent red frown. I felt like everyone in the audience was laughing at my misfortune- in distorted slow motion- like in a horror movie or a bad dream.

One of my male friends had the same 'cluster system' and I asked him if there was anyone new in his cluster recently. He replied "Frankly I'm bored with the cluster. I'd rather just date people one at a time now. The cluster just seems so self-serving, so egoic. It's almost like- someone is good enough for the cluster, but not good enough to get to know one on one. It's not good to look at people this way. If I don't want to get to know them as people then I don't really feel like wasting my time. I'd rather read a book or go to the gym."

I had to agree with that. In the end, I concluded that in any case, you should never look outside of yourself for happiness. Happiness comes from within, not from validation from the opposite sex. Constantly seeking for this kind of approval is a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, the circus, while highly entertaining, always leaves town.
 

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