I Kissed a Girl and I Didn't Like It.

Dear Anita,

I just finished reading "Nearly a lesbian's" story about why men in Hong Kong are wankers and I wanted to share with you a story about this exact thing. I tell you, going gay is not the answer.

So, after all the disappointments I’ve been having with men recently, I thought to myself- perhaps I SHOULD try batting for my own team, you know, put on my muff diving gear and just take the plunge. Everyone has been encouraging me to try it- especially (and not surprisingly) my male friends. Of course there’s always the annoying ‘Can I watch?’ tagline at the end.

I was out recently with a couple, a beautiful girl and her hilarious boyfriend and I was telling them about all the girls that have been overtly hitting on me lately. Though I never took anyone up on their advances, the couple was convinced I was a closet lesbian. I really wondered why I had been attracting women lately. Was it because I looked naughty and just up for trying something new, or I had gained too much muscle weight and was starting to look butch, or was it true that there were so many jerky men in this town that suddenly there was a lesbian pandemic in Hong Kong?

I’m certainly not a homophobe, but I just know that I like penetration way too much to bother with all that purring and licking. I prefer the opposites. I want to feel like the damsel in distress and have some chivalrous knight put me on his horse, whisk me away to his castle and joust me with his lance. I don’t know, maybe I’m just coming off too strong and independent for men? Could that be why I’m attracting girls as well?

I had heard many stories in hushed tones about threesomes, about a girl who had traveled to Shenzen to have a secret affair with a full-blown dyke- I was even shocked to hear that a couple of my bored girlfriends tried it with each other on some random drunk night. In fact, it seemed that the majority of women I know have gone bi-curious some point in their lives. Don’t knock it till you try it I guess…

Anyway- it was another one of those nights where I was despairing over some dirty dog that I had been dating. I was knocking back shots with a girlfriend at Wagyu Lounge (not one that I knew too well) and after a while we realized that we had been dating the same guy! Wow. I really despise how small this town is. It’s so incestuous.

Anyway, instead of getting mad at each other, we decided to man-hate instead and go hang out with our gay brothers. Off we went on a tour of all the gay bars in Hong Kong- Déjà-Vu, DYMK, Drop, and Homebase. At each one, we knocked back at least a few shots. It was a true girl’s night. We would not allow any non-gay men to enter our sphere and if they tried, they would be shot down like a kamikaze fighter pilot in the war.

In my very inebriated state, I started to notice my girlfriend getting a little too touchy-feely with me. At one point, they were playing a sexy song and she was putting on a great show- arching her back, flipping her hair all around and going through stripper-like motions- only there was no straight men anywhere in sight. Could she have been putting on that show for me??

Anyway, fast-forward to a few hours later, I was passed out on my floor, facedown, and I don’t really know how I got home. Suddenly, I hear this loud banging at my door. I was a bit scared until I heard the voice of the aforementioned girl saying, “Hey- it’s me let me in.” She fell into my flat, into my arms and drunkenly proclaimed, “Be my lover”.

Now circumstances like this only happen when there’s crapload of booze involved. And yes, I would have to say, at that point, I was thoroughly intoxicated, sexually frustrated, subsconsciously angry at her for sleeping with my love interest and I thought- Why the hell not? Things can't get anymore surreal anyway.

I don’t remember too much about the encounter except the buzz of battery-operated toys and that the girl was a screamer. I didn’t really believe that bona-fide screamers really existed but they do. I literally had to put a pillow over her face at one point so that I would be able to face my roommate in the morning without having to come out of the closet.

I was terribly embarrassed by the whole situation and avoided that girl like the plague for months after that encounter. Well at least now I know, I’m definitely not gay. I kissed a girl and I didn’t like it. Well in fact it was more like- I kissed a girl and I didn’t want to remember it. As annoying as men are, I still love them in all their testosterone-filled glory. Next time I’m going to take it easy on the shots and act more coy and innocent so I don’t get myself into another clam jam!

Signed 'Definitely Straight'

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