Friends with Benefits

It seems a lot of men in HK are searching for that ideal arrangement- the one that involves emotion-free, no-strings-attached sex that they don’t have to pay for. In fact, some don’t mind if the sex and the companionship is somewhat regular as along as there are no demands or obligations. You see- men in Hong Kong are a busy lot. They are way too busy traveling, bringing home the bacon, doing sport, pursuing their hobbies or hanging with the bros to have time to romance a woman for sex.

Some say the solution to this Hong Kong dating conundrum is to have a ‘friend with benefits’. Not just a fuck buddy, but someone who is also an activity partner and is someone you don’t mind having a conversation with either. It’s a few steps removed from having a real relationship because it’s an open, finite arrangement where there are not supposed to be any expectations or any difficult ‘feelings’. Both parties try to remain neutral while sustaining friendship and both parties agree not to put too much emotional investment into the pairing. However, do FWB arrangements ever really work?

There are a few external factors that make an FWB arrangement work, at least temporarily:

1. You don’t see each other enough to get attached. A common situation is one where one or both of the parties involved travel all the time. Or perhaps it’s a friend that only breezes into town once a month.

2. You don’t see yourself long term with a person that has that job/habit/lifestyle/look/goal/set of values. In fact it’s very clear to both parties that as much as you enjoy each other’s company, there is no future for you as a couple. For example, if you’re a man that wants 5 kids, you might sleep with a hot cougar but you wouldn’t see a future with her.

3. Sex is to be performed for physical gratification only and not to be used as an expression of love or deeper connection.

In a friends with benefits set-up, neither of you like each other that much- at least not in a romantic way. If there isn’t an SMS or facebook response right away, there will be no love lost. A FWB situation requires mutual consent and complete honesty to keep things in control.

Not too long ago, I met up with an old friend that I used to date. He travels all the time for both business and pleasure, he’s passionate about the ocean and his end goal in life is to retire somewhere quiet and rural and fish all day.

We went out a bunch of times, had nice chats, had a lot of fun together and we eventually fell into the sack. The sex, oftentimes of the drunken late-night booty call variety, was amazing. After a while, we decided for reasons not entirely clear, that our personalities, lifestyles, and futures did not match and we’d never be anything more than friends that shag for fun.

Not too long thereafter, another more persistent woman came into the picture and I was placed in the backseat (actually I felt like I was getting placed in the trunk) and that’s usually the way an FWB arrangement ends. Someone else happens. Even if you’re convinced you don’t care about the actual person you’re having the FWB with, call it a quirk of human nature, but we have these silly things called ‘emotions’ which make us feel somewhat rejected anyway. I was annoyed for about a millisecond then I bowed out gracefully and moved on to different pastures.

A year and a few boyfriends later, I reconnected with this FWB and we made a date to catch-up. We met up on one of those hangover Sundays where you just want to chill out on a date watching movies, reading magazines and having sex.

When I got to his place, he looked even more gorgeous than I remembered. He had a new look and had been working out. He was positively edible. We had a nice debriefing about what each of us had been up to but it didn’t take too long to get down to business- and it was WOW. Just what the hangover doctor ordered.

I ended up accidentally leaving my earrings there and he said I should come around and get them the following Tuesday as he had client meetings to attend to the rest of the week. He asked me if it would be too late if I could come over around 10pm. I had a dinner as well so it was a not too late. He SMSed me saying he’d be waiting for me naked in bed and I SMSed back him saying “Oh is it Christmas already?!” Let’s just say the promise of what was to cum had me very excited.

That Tuesday, I was having a great dinner with friends but I left early in anticipation of a night of hot steamy bedroom action. When I got to his place, he was indeed in bed naked, but he was dead, dead asleep. His door was open so I just let myself in. I nearly left when I found him in that comatose state. He was obviously super tired if he was that dead asleep at 10pm. Unfortunately, I was wide awake, tipsy on a few glasses of wine, and quite ready to go all night. I managed to wake him up for a round of lovemaking but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I guess I was annoyed at myself that I had an expectation to find someone who was awake and waiting for me.

After doing the deed, we chatted for about 5 min, probably about his upcoming fishing trip, but he really couldn’t talk anymore. He was drifting off to dreamland. I tried to lay in his arms and sleep, but I couldn’t sleep. It was not a hangover Sunday and I had excess energy to expend that he didn’t have to expend with me. Perhaps I was disappointed but I should not have been. It’s in the FWB handbook! Rule one-You do not have expectations of any kind (like someone being awake for example), Rule two-you do not have feelings or difficult emotions (like disappointment).

In all honesty, he worked really hard and just needed sleep. I knew that and respected him as a friend so I really had no choice but to leave him to his restful slumber. For a nanosecond on that hangover Sunday, I thought things might change between us and that we might be walking a more similar path. But on deep-asleep Tuesday I realized that we would never be anything more than pals who used to shag for fun. I realized at the end of the day, I want someone to make an effort or to at least be awake!

You see, the difference between an FWB and a relationship is- in a real relationship, you actually like someone and you want make an effort to get them to like you back. In a relationship, there’s emotion involved and it’s ok to feel them and express them. If I was in a relationship with my FWB, I might have become angry that I made the effort to leave my fun dinner early to see him and he could barely even manage to speak. If he had liked me more, he would have been awake waiting for me.

When you really like someone and see a potential future, arguments and emotion are not off limits. You need to have discussions so you can work things out and see eye to eye. The reason for this is- you may need to function as a team in the future, particularly if there's even an inkling that you might procreate someday. If you are an FWB, you just leave without a protest because there’s no point to even discuss the issue. In the grand scheme of things, it just doesn’t matter.

I asked a lot of people about FWB and most say they’ve tried it but it’s not an easy arrangement to hang on to. If you see each other often enough, emotions and attachment happens.

Insensitive men who don’t want anything serious may cringe at the thought of having to deal with a woman that has feelings- but let’s face it, people are human, not sex robots. People are multi-dimensional dynamic and have the great capacity to feel. Not all feelings are scary like disappointment and anger. There’s also compassion, understanding, happiness and love. Those are feelings I don’t ever want to shield myself against.

FWB arrangements encourage you to repress your feelings- a very male characteristic. At some point though, those repressed subconscious thought patterns will manifest and rear their ugly head. I would like to harden my heart to negative emotions but unfortunately feelings don’t work that way. It’s either feel all or feel nothing and I don’t want to be cold and heartless in order to avoid being hurt. I don’t want to repress my unique ability to be emotional. It’s part of being human and female and I embrace it 110 percent.

My conclusion about FWB? It’s an arrangement that has a temporary shelf life. Because we are human beings with needs and emotions, FWB arrangements will eventually fail.
 

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